Arlenes crazy.....she's crazy i tell you!!! CRAZY !!! just read her xanga ! .. .. .. i feared for my life after reading that...sometimes she's just too manly for me..lol.

O-YEA = it was our 11 months yesterday ! i sent her a picture saying i love her with my phone....it cost me 40cents.

Anyways = I'll come back you guys...dont worry! You know why? Cause im getting a laptop !! THIS LAPTOP It does'nt necessarily mean im gonna be updating everyday....maybe once a month.  Cause following up with someones life everyday becomes boring...and kinda wierd.....to me atleast....

                                                                          -from alvin

and yet we still wait..........

=Taking a xanga vacation right now=

Six Days Before Christmas ~

And still I’m not feeling it.  This Christmas just doesn’t feel the same for some reason.  Is it because the Christmas tree in our house is so plain?  Is it because there’s still nothing under it? Is it because there’s no snow? Or maybe is it that I find Christmas music to be corny? lol.  No it can’t be.  Our Christmas tree has optical fibers.  Even with no ornaments it still looks pretty cool with glows that changes from red to white to green to blue to purple.  Presents? I don’t really care.  I feel strong about the idea that it is better to give to than receive, Plus I have everything I want; a family that’s still together, a good school which I’m taking for granted, a nice car which I’m currently restricted from, and a girl who cares for me as much as I care for her.   Snow? I hate the cold…. there for I hate snow.  But why is it when it does snow I’m happy? Hmm…maybe because I’m happy there’s a possibility school may be canceled. Hehe I don’t know.  I find Christmas music to be corny.  But sometimes corny is good, makes you feel good inside.  Just like when you and a best friend are being corny…you don’t care, u just like it, you’re happy and smile and laugh and sing a lot.  Okay maybe not sing, but you get the idea.

Thesis = I’m not in the Christmas spirit, and I don’t know why.

A weird episode in my life~

For some reason I was feeling depressed yesterday.  I thought I could finally rest my mind after two weeks of intense studying for finals, but I just couldn’t.  The stress that was there before my finals was still there after finals.  But still, that’s surely no reason to be depressed about.  It was frustrating that I could not pinpoint a source from the reason why I was feeling the way I felt.  Depressing thoughts and ideas flooded my mind.  Worst-case scenarios played in my head.  Little negative experiences intensified throughout the day, and yet with all this going on, all I could do is keep my chin up, smile, and pretend nothings wrong for I didn’t want the people around me to worry.  I didn’t want people to know, I didn’t want people to feel what I was feeling.  What makes this weird is it came over me spontaneously.  There was nothing to cause it to make me feel this effect.  Someone told me it may be a subconscious insecurity…. subconscious confusion.  How i see it, it may just be a reminder to always cherish the times in your life when you’re happy.  I’ve been happy for a while now that it started to just feel “normal”.  I almost forgot what it felt like to be sad.  I don’t know.  But I do know one thing.  I only have two people I can come to when I’m in need.  God and Arlene.  I don’t know what happened to the rest of ya'll....

Thesis = One can know no happiness without sadness.

**Thanks for staying up 2 in the morning on a school night to listen to me.  It's like when I'm with you or talking to you, all my problems seem to halt, and all there is, is just me and you...together.

For the first time in my life ~

I realized I’m the jealous type.  Something came over me last weekend. The feeling of anger, sadness, and fear was present but not visible.  Angry because you have this belief that somehow, someway you’re loosing this one and only person you truly care about to another.  Sad because you have this belief in your head and start to feel helpless and alone.  Fearful because what you visually see and feel supports the notion and persuades your heart and mind that you may loose this person to another.  In a situation like this, it is ordinary for one to become unconsciously hostile, angry, and quiet.  These were the states of emotions I was feeling and trying significantly hard to hide.  I always had this belief that jealousy, to an extent, was a good thing.  It showed that you care.  It showed the visual meaning of “I don’t want to loose you”.  With a positive there’s likely to be a negative, and I almost forgot that until that night.  Opening to her about how I felt, I told her what I was seeing and feeling.  The anger, the sadness, the fear.  Afterwards, she too was feeling the anger and sadness, but in a different sense.  At first I was confused how she could be feeling angry and sad.  Even more confused why she started tearing.  I thought telling her would show a sense that I care for her and how much I don’t want to loose her.  To her, it showed selfishness and lack of trust.  Never in my life had I taken it in that sense.  Can it be that I am selfish? That I don’t trust her?

Afterwards, I felt low, ashamed, and stupid.  I let my insecurity get to me and I made my one and only cry. Asking trustworthy people for advice, I came across two things.  “She won’t always need you every second of the day.” And “You have to trust her with all your heart, not just half of it.”  So this is where I stand. I trying to change my ways, I’m following those two things. Never again do I want to show selfishness or lack of trust towards her.  Never again do I want to make her cry.  And never do I want to loose you.  It’s weird, like I said; this is the first time I felt like this.  Never was I jealous with other girls.  Then again a lot of the things I’m feeling are for the first time.  A lot of these feelings I never felt for anyone else. Baby, I told you before I’d try never to make you cry…I’m sorry….from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry.

Happy two months baby…

It’s just “me” & “you”

I heart you….